THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ERIC – EASTER

“And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you’re going to fall
Tell ‘em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call” – from White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane

hi folks. today i’m going to start a new series of “The Gospel According to Eric” posts… first up: Easter…

so there was this rabbit named jesus. he was born of the Peepish religion, and was a great prophet and teacher, and soon he acquired a group of 12 rabbit apostles. ( more on the life and times of jesus the rabbit in forthcoming Eric gospels).

so jesus rabbit, and his disciples, came into the town of godiva to celebrate the peepover feast, as was the peep tradition. they went to the marketplace to get the chocolate they needed for the feast, but jesus rabbit noticed that the merchants there were selling the cheap hollow chocolate shapes and trying to pass them off as solid chocolate shapes. this angered jesus rabbit, and he threw over the tables and made a big scene… this drew some attention from the peep leaders and the godivans…

so after messing up the chocolate store, Jesus and the rabbits went and celebrated peepover.. with a twist. during the feast of ham and eggs (as was the peepish tradition), jesus took an egg, broke it and said: “this egg represents my body, it has been broken for you”, then he took the ham, sliced it and said : “this ham represents delicious ham- eat it and be happy”.. after dinner, jesus rabbit took the chocolate (solid) and said: “this chocolate represents the sugar coursing through my veins… since we’re all rabbits, this explains our jittery-ness”.

after dinner, they all went out to the woods to do… well… what rabbits do. well ALMOST all of them. one disciple, Eddie, went to the godivans and told them where jesus was, and that jesus had claimed to be the King of the Peeps. the godivans arrested jesus for messing up the chocolate store, and took him into custody, and told the peepish leaders that he had claimed to be the “king of the peeps”.

SIDE NOTE: after betraying jesus, the disciple Eddie was paid by the Godivans. Eddie used the money to rent studio time, and recorded a song he titled: “i love a rainy night“. it was a marginal success, but no one really ever heard from him after that. there are 3 conflicting stories about what happened to him. he either hung himself, all his guts came out while running across a field, or he died of lung cancer in 1998.

so king Hershey of godiva spoke with the peepish leaders about what to do with jesus rabbit. the peeps laughed when they were told that this jesus rabbit claimed to be king of the peeps. jesus did not fulfill the peepish prophecy. the prophecy clearly stated the the new king of the peeps “would be called ‘Little Bo’ ” and solve the problem the peeps had of all their sheep wandering off..

so between king Hershey, and the peepish leaders, they decided Jesus was guilty, and sentenced him to be crucified. well, long story short, they crucify him, and then he died. when he died, they took him down from the cross, and buried him in an ornate basket filled with green plastic grass. a few days later, two of the disciples (peter and jack), went back to the basket to properly prepare the body – (cut off the feet to sell at truck stops)- and found that the basket was empty!

so Peter and Jack hopped back to town (jack was faster), to tell the other disciples -including the reformed prostitute Jessica – that Jesus was gone… but when they got there, jesus rabbit appeared to them!.. he told them to go forth and tell his story, and to celebrate his life every year at this time with chocolate, ham, and eggs….. and in fact, the prettier the eggs were, the better chance they had to get into heaven.

he also added, that every year, he would visit all the good little boys and girls of the world on Easter eve… and playfully hide a basket for each of them filled with chocolate and other goodies to remind them that he was tortured, savagely beaten, and killed.

the end.

well folks, that’s the story of Easter, according to me.

i would argue that my version explains the holiday traditions better than the 4 recognized gospels in the bible do…. plus, all 4 of those are different from each other… so who knows which is right? also, please ask questions if you have any, as i am prepared to alter the story to make it work if any inconsistencies arise.. as is the christian tradition.

bottom line?

blame the peeps… the nasty little fucks..

you’re welcome,

Eric

Posted in religion | 5 Comments

ZOMBIE 101 – Pt. 1

“you Zombie

be born again my friend

won’t you sign in stranger?

-Steely Dan

 

hiya folks!

today i’m honored and excited to welcome the first of our guest contributors here on “here for the people”. my old friend Root Rot. Root runs a great blog called The Witch’s Hat, where he and his compatriots specialize in movie reviews… especially exploitation, cult, and horror movie reviews. frankly, Root and the Crew are awesome… but don’t take my word for it…. they have one of the premiere horror flick blogs on the Net and their blogcast gets like a billion downloads per episode… not only will they impress you, they will also piss you off… they have struck a nice balance of controversy and entertainment over there… something i’m trying to do over here….

well anyway, i LOVE zombie movies.. love ‘em love ‘em love ‘em. from the first one i remember seeing (dawn of the dead), to the last (walking dead TV series), i’ve been hooked. hell i even met Max Brooks last year and almost wept .. his “World War Z” is one of my favorite books (AND audiobooks!). so how excited am I that Root decided he wanted to talk about Zombies on my page as a regular feature?!

anyway, i’m gonna turn it over to my old pal now… he’s the man. we don’t always agree on films, but i always respect his opinion… even when he’s totally wrong..

take it Aaron…

———-

I would like to start with an introduction; My name is Aaron.  I’ve been been writing and podcasting under the alias of Root Rot since 2006 starting with the Midnight Podcast.  I currently host The Witch’s Hat, a blog/podcast covering exploitation, cult and horror film.

Today’s post is part one of an on going segment written for “here for the people” a blog owned and operated by my old friend Eric.  The segment is called Zombie 101; it discusses pivotal zombie movies and how they impacted the genera and the fans of these films. This post is based on my  opinion, which I imagine not everyone shares.  So if you find yourself disagreeing with me, or wanting to hunt me down in my mom’s basement and hog tie me, then please leave a comment.  I only request that you  come with your fucking A gaming because I’m all about speaking your mind…

Author: Root Rot

Zombie 101: Categories of Zombies in Film

Voodoo Zombies

Voodoo zombies are definitively the oldest genre of Zombie film.  Voodoo zombie films were taken from the Voodoo rituals of Haiti; though an individual was believed to be deceased, they were actually under the spell of a Voodoo priest.  Amongst horror movie fans, the 1932 White Zombie starring Bela Lugosi is generally the most recognizable Voodoo Zombie film.   Lugosi plays Murder Legendre, a voodoo witch docotor who tricks a young newlywed groom and  turns his bride into a zombie slave.

(Side note: If you haven’t seen this movie I highly recommend that you do. It’s very easy to find for free on the Internet due to the films public domain status)

Romero Zombies

Director George A. Romero’s, Night of the Living Dead, forever changed how the world viewed zombies. In addition to changing how we view zombies today, Romero added elements to their origins including eating habits and the way in which Zombies can die.  The Romero style zombies were nothing like their distant cousin White Zombie; Romero zombies were not under a curse, but were the recently dead that came back to life to feed on the flesh of the living. If a living victim suffers a zombie bite from one of Romero’s living dead, they too would join the masses of mindless soldiers in his shambling zombie army. The only way to kill a Romero zombie is blunt force to the head. The most popular way to deliver a deadly blow to the zombies brain is via a nice clean head shot from your favorite gun.

Since the debut of NotLD, George Romero has directed five sequels,  with the second film in the Romero dead series arguably being  the best zombie movie ever made… Dawn of the Dead (1978). The other movies in Romero’s dead series include Day of the Dead (1985), Land of the Dead (2005), Diary of the Dead (2006) and the piece of dog shit Survival of the Dead (2009), you know, the one with the horse back riding Irish zombies.

Italian Zombies

The Italian style of zombie film is different from Romero; however, it does include  some of Romero’s zombies attributes. Italian style zombies have a very unique look and do things that Romero zombies didn’t; they fight sharks under water, use weapons and run. The Italian zombie seems to symbolize  a more personal view of the  victim, represented by acts such as tearing the flesh from a woman’s breast with their bite and eye gouging. The Italian zombie can also include a supernatural element, yet most could be killed by a shot to the head.

Running Zombies

This is a very controversial subject amongst zombie fans  Zombie movie purest demand that zombies don’t run, they shamble! In the 2004 re-make of Dawn of the Dead the zombies not only ran; they ran fast. This wasn’t the first time zombies ran in movies, in the 1985 Dan O’Bannon classic Return of the Living Dead not only did these zombies run they have other attributes that put them in a category of their own.

Return of the Living Dead  Zombies

Return of the Living Dead zombies are unique for many reasons. For example the zombies from Dan O’Bannon’s Return of the Living Dead (1985) abide by completely different set of rules. Not only are unburied corpse a threat, but the buried dead would rise from their graves. RotLD zombies also have a specific diet of brains, they run, talk, use tools and can only be destroyed by electrical shock.

(Side note: The fact that RotLD zombies could be destroyed by electrical shock was discovered near the end of Return of the Living Dead 2 1988)

ZomComs

ZomCons are zombie movies in which the actual zombies take back seat to the comedic aspect.  The 2005 tribute to Romero’s dead series Shawn of the Dead, is a great example of this type of film.

Revenge or Carma Zombies

In contrast to the mindlessness of your average zombie, these zombies are very calculated.  They comeback to life to seek revenge on their murderers. After justice has been served the zombie is able to return to the grave and rest in peace.

The best example of revenge zombies can be seen in acts one and three of  George Romero’s anthology Creep Show (1981) a tribute to the EC horror comic books of the 1950 (Tales From the Crypt, Vault of Horror, Tales of Terror, and Haunt of Fear).

Nazi Zombies

After a Nazi solders dies he comes back to life as a zombie, when he is then forced to live in an uncomfortable place as part of a curse.

Some Nazi zombies live underwater as seen in Zombie Lake (1981) and Shockwaves (1977). The Nazi zombie in Norway’s Dead Snow (2009) lived in the snow rather than under water.

Knight Templars Zombies

Found in the Spanish Blind Dead series; these zombies are evil knights that protect the holy grail. Blind Dead zombies are very slow, ride horses, and feed on human blood.

That’s going to rap it up for part one of Zombie 101…On my next post I will review the zombie classic Dawn of the Dead (1978). I would like to thanks Eric for letting me share my thoughts on his blog and thank you for reading..

————

told ya the guy knows his shit….

you all just learned something

you’re welcome,

Eric

Posted in zombie 101 | 18 Comments

ERIC N’ LUCINDA: A TALE OF SUPERIORITY

“I was naked to the waist
With my fierce black hound
And I’m cookin up a Filipino Box Spring Hog” – Tom Waits, from Filipino box spring hog

I’d like to introduce you folks to one of the great loves of my life. the only girl that has never let me down. i’ve known her for about 15 years, and she has gotten even more beautiful with age. we’ve grown together, succeeded together, and failed together. we have hosted large party’s together, as well as quiet evenings shared by just the two of us. ….

folks, i’d like you to meet the lovely and talented Lucinda!

ain’t she a beauty?….. sigh….. i love her so…

the specifics: Lucinda is a weber 22.5 inch, one-touch gold charcoal kettle grill. enameled bowl, hinged cooking grate, overhead cam, slide-aside lid, dual exhaust, integrated ash catcher, and a drop of retsyn.

i love to grill… and as far as i’m concerned, “grill” means to cook over charcoal, wood, or hot rocks. i don’t consider cooking over burning gas “grilling”. it’s broiling. it’s just upside down broiling. i have a broiler that came with my oven, and it works fine and does the same thing. frankly, i just don’t get it. the only thing i can think of that an outside broiler would have over a grill, would be ease of use. and if that’s your argument, then fine… stay with your outside broiler. we don’t need/want you in the grilling community. you lazy pussy.

other arguments include:

“gas grills heat up faster” – they sure do. it will take you 10-15 minutes longer to get charcoal up to heating temp. big deal. if you don’t have an extra 15minutes legroom when cooking something, you shouldn’t be cooking. have a fucking salad. also, keep in mind that a lot of the time, things cook faster over coals… how much time are you really saving?

“charcoal grilling is messy” – i suppose it CAN be messier than gas, but keep in mind, alot of things turn out better if you don’t worry about the messiness, and go for the satisfaction of the ultimate result… this holds true with all cooking, as well as things like art and sex.

“i have more heat control with gas” – yup, turn the knob on your broiler, ya lazy ass. with a little practice though, you too, can be like me. with some strategic coal arrangement and fuel selection i can keep ol’ Lucinda at 200 degrees for hours…. perfect smoking temperature. also, on the other side, armed with a simple hair dryer, i can whoop up the coals to temperatures high enough to make swords and armor.

“gas is cheaper than charcoal” – is it?.. is it really that much more of a difference? i’ve not looked for any studies on this, but i’ll bet it’s negligible. but lets say that it is noticeably cheaper for gas than for coals. you’re saving money , right?.. well how much did you pay for your grill?.. i paid $120 for Lucinda, and the model is pretty much the same price today. plus, every single replacement part i could ever need is cheap and easy to find. now compare this to the many hundreds, even THOUSANDS of dollars that people spend on these gas grills… wow. stainless steel. 3 side burners. 4 independant zone cooking surface. auto ignition system. gimme a fucking break. you don’t need any of this shit. the gas grill business has become the biggest “keeping up with the joneses”, dick measuring business EVER. that’s what they’re selling you folks…. inches. and inches are expensive… get out your check book Mr. “gotta have the best”.

..and my favorite: “i can add coals/rocks/wood/smoking packets to my gas grill, it has that feature…” – why in the hell are you trying to retro fit your big dumb broiler to try and get results that are marginally close to that of a real grill?.. why not just buy a real grill in the first place? plus, i GUARANTEE that the results with your little additions to your broiler don’t even come close to producing what , i think, the main reason for charcoal grilling is:

THE FLAVOR.

plain and simple, you can’t touch it. no way. not even close. food cooked over charcoal just tastes better. not to mention slowly smoldering fragrant wood and other of the myriad of fuel types. to me this is the bottom line. the final product is infinitely better. not just better, but completely different. over coals/ wood you get food that has been GRILLED. it tastes like it’s supposed to. it has hints of smoke and determination, wood and expertise, char and love. it’s an animalistic experience. and you can’t get any of those things with a broiler.

i look forward to a nice long grilling season with Lucinda, and i promise to keep you all updated with our adventures together. she and i always have fun, as well as learn new things together every year. she’s truly an awesome chick, and i hope all of you get to meet her one day.

but i must say, before i close it out here, that it’s ok to invite me over this summer for a cookout with your gas grill. i’ll gladly attend, and i’m sure the food will be good. it just won’t be grilled. but hey, i enjoy a nice broiled burger or t-bone as much as the next guy. i’m sure you’ve got your recipe down, and i’ll be pleasantly surprised with the fare you offer. and i may even be moved enough to remark: “wow!, this is really good!” which will be true, but know, that my inner dialogue will be saying : “but it isn’t grilled you lazy wuss”

you’re welcome

Eric

Posted in food | 10 Comments

HOW TO EAT A BABY CHICKEN

“Kernewek yw oll ankevys gans pobel yowynk.” – Cornish for – “Cornish is all but forgotten by the young people”

Cornish game hens!… here’s how i cooked ‘em. as you will see, this recipe is easily customizable , so i’m not going to give you a traditional “ingredient” list… just read through the recipe, and you’ll see what i mean…. ok, so here we go… get out 4 baby chickens…

they’ll be a little over a pound each. when i cook these, or even chickens, i like to split them and flatten them.. i just find that they cook better, and more evenly. so to do this, you need to take out the back bone…mmwwahaahahahaaa! you could do this with a big knife (more fun), or some good kitchen shears (easier). i used shears this time. so flip the hens over and cut on each side of the spine… it will be kind of obvious where to cut… take a look

once you’ve cut out the backs (save the backs!!), you’ll be able to flatten those bastards out pretty easily. just kind of push them flat with your hand. you may have to make a little cut at the top of the breast bone to help you out, but you’ll get it… believe in yourself.

they should look kinda like that. ok, i broiled my hens, but you could easily do these on the grill (and by “grill” i mean over charcoal/wood. gas “grills” are just upside down broilers, and thus, the same thing as broiling), so if you want to grill them, go for it.. if you’re a griller, you know what to do. anyway, i broiled mine, so set up your flat mini chickens on your broil pan. i brushed them with a little oil and hit them with salt and pepper.

ok, now start your sauce. i made a super simple easy one, but you could make whatever you want… or don’t make a sauce at all… up to you…, anyway, get 2 cups of chicken stock (you could use beef stock or veggie broth if you wanted to) canned/boxed is fine… and put it in a sauce pan. add those back bones to the stock and bring the bones/stock up to a boil. then reduce the heat to a simmer and let the stock reduce..

let it reduce to about half (this could take up to 30 minutes), then fish out the back bones and any other grossness that may be in there. i guess you could strain it if you want to be a girl about it.  then stir in 4 tablespoons of vinegar… and some salt and peeper if you need it. canned/boxed stock can be salty, so taste it first. anyway there’s your sauce.. pretty much done.

ok, so now on to the mini chicks… get your broiler nice and hot, and throw those babies in there. i started with the pan kind of close, and as the browned up, i lowered the pan to finish cooking them. it’s gonna be one of those things that you’re just gonna have to watch.

spin the pan around from time to time, keep on checking them and stuff…. they should be done in 30 minutes or so… but make sure to check with your insta-read thermometer. if you don’t have an insta-read, you shouldn’t be cooking anything. go buy one. they are like $15, and i think everyone needs them.. trust me, you’ll love it. anyway, when they’re done, pull them out and tent them with foil and let them rest for a while

ok, got any herbs?.. i had some parsley, so i chopped some up and added it to the sauce. and for a side dish, i made some horseradish smashed potatoes (quick horesradish smashed potatoes recipe: 1. make smashed potatoes. 2. add horseradish to taste) and i added some parsley to the potatoes too… and on the babies…. yeah, i just put parsley on everything. it looks pretty

and that’s it folks, all you gotta do now is plate it up, add your side dish, and hit it with the sauce…. and possibly more parsley. pretty easy eh?, plus it looks impressive on the plate..

it’s always fun to have an entire complete animal on your plate….it doesn’t happen often enough. anyway, as you can see, you could do almost anything with theses little guys. any roast chicken recipe you like would work here. and you could also just improvise with what you have laying around the house (like if you had a bunch of parsley, for instance). i guess, the bottom line is, they’re super easy to cook, easy to customize, and they look damn impressive… and i think that’s what i like the most about them..

now go forth and cook people!… any questions, just let me know!

you’re welcome

Eric

Posted in food | 5 Comments

ERIC VS. RO-MAN … IN SHOCKING 2-D!

“We Ro-Mans obtain our strength from the planet Ro-Man, relayed from individual energizers.” – Ro-Man

I love bad movies…. and by “bad” movies i mean “bad movies that are still fun to watch”, not “White Chicks”, or “Batman and Robin”. you know the ones i mean… “plan 9 from outer space”, “the room”, “dolemite”, “revenge of the cheerleaders”, etc…

well, the other day i found myself watching one of my favorites in this genre, the classic “Robot Monster”(1953). if you haven’t seen it, i’m sure you’ve at least seen the image of the monster “Ro-Man”..which since has become an icon that simply means “bad sci-fi movie ahead”

it’s a guy in a gorilla suit, with kind of an old-timey diving helmet on, that has some antennae attached to it. silly eh? well he’s the bad guy, sent to earth to wipe out the entire human race. by himself. sounds like a big job doesn’t it?.. well for such a big job, you’d need a pretty big base with lots of high tech equipment and stuff. below is a pic of Ro-Man in his office:

strangely, all you really need to destroy the human race is a box with a mirror on it (left), and a small wooden table with a reel to reel recorder and a bubble machine on it. as you can see this set was created by the wonderful folks at Industrial Light & Magic. the “mirror” is really a Skype type thing that Ro-Man uses to communicate with his Ro-Boss back on the home planet….oh, and Ro-Man sounds alot like Darth Vader. seriously. you’d think he spoke in some crazy monkey yolps, or some alien dialect, but no, he is a very educated and articulate Ro-Man, who again, sounds like James Earl Jones.

anyway, here’s a rundown of the story: Ro-Man is a Ro-Man from the planet Ro-Man (“hi, i’m eric…an eric from the planet eric”). he is sent to destroy the human race with his gamma death rays that he emits or something. and he succeeds, except for a small band of survivors led by a scientist that invented some sort of serum that makes them immune to the “death ray”. so the Ro-Boss tells Ro-Man pretty much “hey, do what ya gotta do, take ‘em out by hand i guess”. there are some really bad special effects, lots of weird scenes of Ro-Man simply walking, and the dialog of the survivors , as well as Ro-Man is often laughable. oh, and there’s dinosaurs. the dinosaurs are a mix of  claymation, and actual lizards with dinosaur-like fins glued to their backs ( go PETA go!) and shot with forced perspective. sounds like a big ol’ bag of crap, huh?

well, this film ALWAYS makes lists of “worst movies of all time”, and has won a “golden turkey award”..an award given to shitty movies. but you know what?, i don’t think that’s fair at all. this film really has some things going for it (yes, i’m serious). first, some specifics… like the score. the score is awesome classic sci-fi/monster movie stuff, written and conducted by the great Elmer Bernstien, who has done all kinds of great scores. also, there ARE some rough scenes… a 7 year old girl gets strangled, and the hot chick in the film, “Alice”, almost gets raped by the Ro-Man. pretty shocking stuff for 1953 sci-fi. but i think the main thing that everyone misses is that this film takes place in the dream of an 8 year old kid. yup, it’s one of those. so maybe in that 8 year old’s mind, the gorilla suit /space helmet combo IS scary… and in his limited 1953 , 8 year old life, the mirror and the bubble machine and the tape recorder ARE what you need to destroy life… maybe that IS high-tech to him. when you look at this film through the filter of a young boy’s fever dream, it takes on a surrealistic quality…. as well as explains some of the “simpleness” of a lot of its parts…..

a stretch?… maybe. yeah, maybe the director was just trying to slam out a film in the shortest time possible, and spending as little as possible, as was the case a lot of the time back then. the effects suffered, the script/story suffered, the film as a whole suffered… “but what the hell, draw up a cool movie poster, and we’ll get butts in the seats “

…but i don’t want to believe that. i’m going to continue to believe that this was a labor of love for writer/directer Phil Tucker. i’m going to continue to think that this guy had an idea for a picture, and although things didn’t go perfectly, he did the best he could. i’m glad he made it. i hope HE doesn’t think it was a failure, despite everyone calling it “one of the worst films ever”. because it’s surely not. it’s a lot better than anything that Jennifer Lopez has been in. I’ll take Ro-Man over J-Lo’s B-Hind any day. but beyond that, and more importantly, it is an icon now. it has a place in film history. that gorilla suit with the robot head is the “golden arches” of the genre. i suggest you see it if you haven’t… it’s a lot of fun… and sometimes, that’s all a film is supposed to be. thanks for the fun Mr. Tucker.

They say that Plan 9 from Outer Space is the “Citizen Kane” of B-movies, and i agree…. but then Robot Monster is definitely “The Wizard of Oz”.

you’re welcome,

Eric

Posted in movies/music/tv | 1 Comment

ERIC GOES GREEN

“it’s not easy being green” – Kermit the Frog

due to the success of the previous “list” type post : “these are a few of my favorite (irish) things“, i decided to do another list here on The Feast of St. Patrick. this time i want to know your favorite GREEN things. as before, i posted some of my favorites, but please add to the list and have a great, safe, and relatively memorable St. Patty’s day folks!

  • Yoda
  • sour apple Dum-Dum suckers
  • olives
  • some beer bottles
  • Al
  • envy
  • Midori
  • Seth
  • money
  • romaine lettuce
  • Al Gore
  • Eggs and Ham
  • “GO” traffic lights
  • Cee-Lo
  • pickles
  • Mike from “Monsters Inc.”
  • Soylent
  • The Hartford Whalers

so go forth and add to the “green” folks!…

Sláinte!

you’re welcome,

Eric

Posted in lists of stuff | 12 Comments

DON’T SAY A PRAYER FOR ME NOW … SAVE IT.

“i feel as though we should move right in to the religious material”Tom Waits, from Way Down in the Hole

hello folks. today i want to talk about Prayer, and praying… and what those things mean.

in the days following the tragedies in Japan, we have heard a lot about praying. praying for japan, praying for those lost, praying for those who died, praying for the survivors, praying that more devastation doesn’t come. well i, for one, won’t be praying.

UNLESS.. you don’t actually mean “pray”. because i truly do hope that nothing else bad happens, and that people find lost loved ones alive. i feel compassion for the survivors and hope that they can get through all of this the best that they can. and i really do have the whole country in my thoughts.

similarly, when a friend says “my grandpa is sick, please keep us in your prayers”, or “my husband’s unit has been shipped to Violenceville, please pray for him”.. i won’t be praying either. however, i’ll hope for the best for those folks in need, and do what i can to help and support those folks that are having a hard time. you people and your loved ones will be in my thoughts.

and i think that’s what a lot of people mean by “pray”.

but then there’s the prayer that is most associated with the word. now in the above examples, are some of you actually asking god to “help” these people?, to perform some divine intervention? do you go so far as to kneel at your bedside, and clasp your hands?.. be aware, i’m not making fun, or judging, i really want to know what the ritual is, if there is one. do you think it works? does it work better if a whole bunch of people ask god for the same thing?…. better yet if a bunch of people ask god for the same thing at the same time? if the answer to any of the previous questions is “yes”, then all i can say is “prove it”. which you can’t.

in fact there have been a bunch of scientific studies on the power of prayer, and not one showed any evidence that it did anything. sure there were flaws in the experiments, but remember, it’s tough to test things that are made up….but my point is, folks have tried to see if it works, and it hasn’t.

also, i have a problem with how the whole actual process of praying works in the first place. i read somewhere a while ago a thing about this, and the author kind of broke it down like this: when you pray, you can get 1 of 3 possible responses..YES, NO, or WAIT. ok so lets say i pray to god that he helps me find my car keys (just an example, use “heal my brother” if you want), and i find them. well then that’s a YES. but if i don’t find them, then that’s a NO…… unless it’s a WAIT. as you can see, NO and WAIT look very much alike here. so lets say 4 days later i find my car keys.. that NO has immediately went to a WAIT/YES. see when i thought it was a NO it was really a WAIT, but i didn’t know it was a WAIT until it became a YES. see the flaw in the logic here? sure i could never find my keys, and i guess that’d be a solid NO, but it could be a WAIT, right?.. but you see my point. just to add a bit more to the mix, some NO ‘s can be twisted into YES’s as well :” please god,stop my sick grandpa from dying.” then grandpa dies. is that a NO?.. maybe, but it also could be a YES.. as in “i stopped him from dying, stopped his suffering, and brought him to heaven with me”.. so i guess that’s a YES…. and there was probably a WAIT in there somewhere too..

okokokok.. so maybe you’re saying “hey, infidel, god doesn’t work that way!” or “he works in mysterious ways” or whatever. my answer to that , other than the obvious “how the fuck would you know how god works”, is -then why pray?.. god’s gonna do shit or not do shit. right? is our little ceiling whispers really changing the will of the omnipotent, omniscient god?

so go ahead and pray if it makes you feel good… i’m all about people feeling good. i suppose it can be comforting to verbalize one’s thoughts and hopes, especially if you believe that someone is listening…. and even if not, sometimes just saying stuff out loud helps. but know that it’s not doing anything. positive thoughts are great, help and support of friends are essential,  good charities and the kindness of strangers change lives, and modern science is frankly MIND BLOWING. those are the things that’ll get you through. that’s the stuff that’ll make a difference. there’s your miracle.

but one more thing bothers me, what about those who really believe, and do not have the opportunity to make up their own minds? like children who have been brought up to believe this nonsense to be fact? i find forcing religious beliefs on children is a form of child abuse, and makes me physically ill, but that’s another rant. but consider this child that has been brought up believing in prayer from day one. now lets say this god loving child is being raped or abused by someone… what in the fuck do you think that kid is doing while this terrible thing is happening?… he’s fucking praying. he’s praying his little heart out. he’s asking god to make it stop.. because god is good and he will help me and i pray to him and i go to church so please god make it stop, i pray to you!

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you’re welcome

Eric

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