“And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you’re going to fall
Tell ’em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call” – from White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane
hi folks. today i’m going to start a new series of “The Gospel According to Eric” posts… first up: Easter…
so there was this rabbit named jesus. he was born of the Peepish religion, and was a great prophet and teacher, and soon he acquired a group of 12 rabbit apostles. ( more on the life and times of jesus the rabbit in forthcoming Eric gospels).
so jesus rabbit, and his disciples, came into the town of godiva to celebrate the peepover feast, as was the peep tradition. they went to the marketplace to get the chocolate they needed for the feast, but jesus rabbit noticed that the merchants there were selling the cheap hollow chocolate shapes and trying to pass them off as solid chocolate shapes. this angered jesus rabbit, and he threw over the tables and made a big scene… this drew some attention from the peep leaders and the godivans…
so after messing up the chocolate store, Jesus and the rabbits went and celebrated peepover.. with a twist. during the feast of ham and eggs (as was the peepish tradition), jesus took an egg, broke it and said: “this egg represents my body, it has been broken for you”, then he took the ham, sliced it and said : “this ham represents delicious ham- eat it and be happy”.. after dinner, jesus rabbit took the chocolate (solid) and said: “this chocolate represents the sugar coursing through my veins… since we’re all rabbits, this explains our jittery-ness”.
after dinner, they all went out to the woods to do… well… what rabbits do. well ALMOST all of them. one disciple, Eddie, went to the godivans and told them where jesus was, and that jesus had claimed to be the King of the Peeps. the godivans arrested jesus for messing up the chocolate store, and took him into custody, and told the peepish leaders that he had claimed to be the “king of the peeps”.
SIDE NOTE: after betraying jesus, the disciple Eddie was paid by the Godivans. Eddie used the money to rent studio time, and recorded a song he titled: “i love a rainy night“. it was a marginal success, but no one really ever heard from him after that. there are 3 conflicting stories about what happened to him. he either hung himself, all his guts came out while running across a field, or he died of lung cancer in 1998.
so king Hershey of godiva spoke with the peepish leaders about what to do with jesus rabbit. the peeps laughed when they were told that this jesus rabbit claimed to be king of the peeps. jesus did not fulfill the peepish prophecy. the prophecy clearly stated the the new king of the peeps “would be called ‘Little Bo’ ” and solve the problem the peeps had of all their sheep wandering off..
so between king Hershey, and the peepish leaders, they decided Jesus was guilty, and sentenced him to be crucified. well, long story short, they crucify him, and then he died. when he died, they took him down from the cross, and buried him in an ornate basket filled with green plastic grass. a few days later, two of the disciples (peter and jack), went back to the basket to properly prepare the body – (cut off the feet to sell at truck stops)- and found that the basket was empty!
so Peter and Jack hopped back to town (jack was faster), to tell the other disciples -including the reformed prostitute Jessica – that Jesus was gone… but when they got there, jesus rabbit appeared to them!.. he told them to go forth and tell his story, and to celebrate his life every year at this time with chocolate, ham, and eggs….. and in fact, the prettier the eggs were, the better chance they had to get into heaven.
he also added, that every year, he would visit all the good little boys and girls of the world on Easter eve… and playfully hide a basket for each of them filled with chocolate and other goodies to remind them that he was tortured, savagely beaten, and killed.
well folks, that’s the story of Easter, according to me.
i would argue that my version explains the holiday traditions better than the 4 recognized gospels in the bible do…. plus, all 4 of those are different from each other… so who knows which is right? also, please ask questions if you have any, as i am prepared to alter the story to make it work if any inconsistencies arise.. as is the christian tradition.
blame the peeps… the nasty little fucks..