“I was naked to the waist
With my fierce black hound
And I’m cookin up a Filipino Box Spring Hog” – Tom Waits, from Filipino box spring hog
I’d like to introduce you folks to one of the great loves of my life. the only girl that has never let me down. i’ve known her for about 15 years, and she has gotten even more beautiful with age. we’ve grown together, succeeded together, and failed together. we have hosted large party’s together, as well as quiet evenings shared by just the two of us. ….
folks, i’d like you to meet the lovely and talented Lucinda!
ain’t she a beauty?….. sigh….. i love her so…
the specifics: Lucinda is a weber 22.5 inch, one-touch gold charcoal kettle grill. enameled bowl, hinged cooking grate, overhead cam, slide-aside lid, dual exhaust, integrated ash catcher, and a drop of retsyn.
i love to grill… and as far as i’m concerned, “grill” means to cook over charcoal, wood, or hot rocks. i don’t consider cooking over burning gas “grilling”. it’s broiling. it’s just upside down broiling. i have a broiler that came with my oven, and it works fine and does the same thing. frankly, i just don’t get it. the only thing i can think of that an outside broiler would have over a grill, would be ease of use. and if that’s your argument, then fine… stay with your outside broiler. we don’t need/want you in the grilling community. you lazy pussy.
other arguments include:
“gas grills heat up faster” – they sure do. it will take you 10-15 minutes longer to get charcoal up to heating temp. big deal. if you don’t have an extra 15minutes legroom when cooking something, you shouldn’t be cooking. have a fucking salad. also, keep in mind that a lot of the time, things cook faster over coals… how much time are you really saving?
“charcoal grilling is messy” – i suppose it CAN be messier than gas, but keep in mind, alot of things turn out better if you don’t worry about the messiness, and go for the satisfaction of the ultimate result… this holds true with all cooking, as well as things like art and sex.
“i have more heat control with gas” – yup, turn the knob on your broiler, ya lazy ass. with a little practice though, you too, can be like me. with some strategic coal arrangement and fuel selection i can keep ol’ Lucinda at 200 degrees for hours…. perfect smoking temperature. also, on the other side, armed with a simple hair dryer, i can whoop up the coals to temperatures high enough to make swords and armor.
“gas is cheaper than charcoal” – is it?.. is it really that much more of a difference? i’ve not looked for any studies on this, but i’ll bet it’s negligible. but lets say that it is noticeably cheaper for gas than for coals. you’re saving money , right?.. well how much did you pay for your grill?.. i paid $120 for Lucinda, and the model is pretty much the same price today. plus, every single replacement part i could ever need is cheap and easy to find. now compare this to the many hundreds, even THOUSANDS of dollars that people spend on these gas grills… wow. stainless steel. 3 side burners. 4 independant zone cooking surface. auto ignition system. gimme a fucking break. you don’t need any of this shit. the gas grill business has become the biggest “keeping up with the joneses”, dick measuring business EVER. that’s what they’re selling you folks…. inches. and inches are expensive… get out your check book Mr. “gotta have the best”.
..and my favorite: “i can add coals/rocks/wood/smoking packets to my gas grill, it has that feature…” – why in the hell are you trying to retro fit your big dumb broiler to try and get results that are marginally close to that of a real grill?.. why not just buy a real grill in the first place? plus, i GUARANTEE that the results with your little additions to your broiler don’t even come close to producing what , i think, the main reason for charcoal grilling is:
plain and simple, you can’t touch it. no way. not even close. food cooked over charcoal just tastes better. not to mention slowly smoldering fragrant wood and other of the myriad of fuel types. to me this is the bottom line. the final product is infinitely better. not just better, but completely different. over coals/ wood you get food that has been GRILLED. it tastes like it’s supposed to. it has hints of smoke and determination, wood and expertise, char and love. it’s an animalistic experience. and you can’t get any of those things with a broiler.
i look forward to a nice long grilling season with Lucinda, and i promise to keep you all updated with our adventures together. she and i always have fun, as well as learn new things together every year. she’s truly an awesome chick, and i hope all of you get to meet her one day.
but i must say, before i close it out here, that it’s ok to invite me over this summer for a cookout with your gas grill. i’ll gladly attend, and i’m sure the food will be good. it just won’t be grilled. but hey, i enjoy a nice broiled burger or t-bone as much as the next guy. i’m sure you’ve got your recipe down, and i’ll be pleasantly surprised with the fare you offer. and i may even be moved enough to remark: “wow!, this is really good!” which will be true, but know, that my inner dialogue will be saying : “but it isn’t grilled you lazy wuss”